Hello Twenty Nineteen!

Omaigad. It's been years that i don't update anything here. I have a full-time job which take most of my times, boxing classes, out of the office trips and etc. Time is a constant challenge. And after a few years, here i am. I need to start writing, because i always believe that, writing heals! InsyaAllah, moving forward i will try to use all the little bits of time i have to write more. On the other hand, I'm working on my first book. Which a love journal and i hope i will be able to finish it one day. Right now, i have write 35 pages. And I'm so proud of myself. *gentle pat on my shoulder!


Okay where do i work now? I'm still working for my previous company. This year will mark my 9th years here. But lately my job is soulless and some days I struggle to get out of bed and show up to work. I haven’t really written anything new (that’s not related to work). I want to write more for myself, but at the end of the day my brain is mush and my willpower is completely tapped out. I have nothing left to give. I’m especially weak right when I get home from work because my mood is low and I want instant gratification, so I usually succumb to watching TV or some other escapist activity until I have to get to bed and start the whole cycle again the next day. I’ve been trying everything I can to use whatever free time I have to write, but I can’t seem to do it. All the productivity articles in the world about time management etc. have not worked. I’m at the point where I feel like I'm helpless.


Now, it's June twenty nineteen. I hope another half of this year is different than the rest. I wish i can finally say goodbye to those old habits, that keep pulling me astray. I should stop letting others determine my worth. I've cut ties with some people, who are always bringing me down.


I also hope i will finally find the love, that I'm so desperately crave. I still want to travel to the places i’ve always wanted to go and take myself out, when no one wants to show.Instead of chasing, i wait. Instead of flaking, i commit. Instead of giving up, I've succeed.


So what do i hope to come? I hope i can be a better version of myself.

Boring Tahap Gaban!

Kah kah kah.. Ehh korang mesti penah dengar kan ayat bosan tahap gaban, boring tahap gaban.. Aku pon pelik camne boleh wujud ayat ni.. Camne orang compare kan boring tu ke tahap yang sama macam gaban.. Gaban ni yang dulu citer masa kite budak2 tu kan? Ke ada lagi maksud gaban yang aku taktau?

Haaa tu bukan isu yang aku nak kupaskan untuk entry kali ni. Isu dia aku tengah bosan. Bosan, boring tahap gaban. Tahap gaban tu pada aku maybe tahap paling tinggi la kot sebab gaban kan kuat. Kahkahkah.. So aku sekarang bosan. Kerja menimbun tapi korang mesti penah rasa bosan sampai takleh nak buat apa pon.

Aku bosan sebab stress yang amat. Dicampur pulak dengan emosi aku di peringkat paling tinggi arini sebab banyak marah dan sakit hati, so bila dicampur aduk dan digaul sebati, hasilnya, like nahhhh.. im so tired and exhausted, and fed up with this nonsense! Gitew..

Siyes, bila kau rasa takde apa pon mampu buat kau okay, kau akan give up. There will be certains point in life u will be so down and tired to do everythings. You just have to lay back, rest and put yourslef back together. And then, you are ready for another phase of your life. Breakdown ni normal okay. Bukan kau sorg je camtu. Semua orang camtu. Tak kira lah kau penganggur ke, hakim ke, penyanyi ke, peniaga warung ke, surirumah ke, ceo ke, majistret ke, semua ada masalah masing-masing. We cant run from all of this problems and breakdowns. Semua sama. Bezanya, cara kau nak tangani semua tu. Ada orang bagus, boleh handle. Tapi aku, problem sikit sebab aku ni emosi. Kahkahkah.. Amik masa okay..

Korang pon mesti ada macam2 cara kan nak handle stress korang tu. Ade yang suka pegi karaoke, acah-acah menjerit hilangkan semua kedukaan. Kata kau! Pastu ada yang suka pegi bercuti, abis cuti balek opis poket kering pastu keje kau berlambak pending.. Ada yang suka memasak, pastu kau buat kek bantut, kau stress baling loyang kat laman belakang.. Ehh jap, im not being negative okay. Masing-masing ada cara masing-masing. Aku nak share sikit la experience aku camne aku try to divert myself from stress.

Dulu first sekali, aku suka baking. Beli segala macam alat2 nak buat kek bagai. 3,4 kali buat hasilnya nan hado. Last2 semua tu jadi rumah penginapan bagi itsy bitsy spider di ceruk dapur. Buat kek instant je uols. Pastu kau feeling nak kek kau sedap macam kek Wondermilk? Matilah nakkk.. Pastu aku berjinak-jinak dengan aktiviti mewarna. Kan banyak lately jual colouring book for adult tu. Mandala la, fantasy la, mcm2 tajuk. Aku pon terjebak lah kejap. Beli colour pencil yang besau tu. Konon2 nak banyak pilihan warna. Okaylah, not bad aku colour half buku tu. Tapi lama-lama pun aju jemu and nak muntah tengok. Mandala okay, tak agak2 as a beginner. Last2 aku sendiri nak muntah tengok corak kecik-kecik macam bulu pubis tu.

Travel pon aku suka. tapi mesti ke pantai. tu je yang buat aku tenang. Malam hari, kau tengok bintang di langit. Kau cari bintang favourite kau.. Sirius, Canapus, Rigil Kentaurus, Arcturus, Vega, Capela, Rigel, Betelguese and ntah pape jelah. Aku suka bintang so aku pernah buat research pasal nama-nama bintang. Pastu kalau aku tengok langit, aku rasa aku boleh cam sejenis jelah, si bintang Sirius. Yang lain aku tatau la yang mana kat langit tu. Bintang Sirius ni bintang yang paling terang dan paling dekat dengan bumi. So kau tengoklah kat langit, yang paling terang tulah Sirius. Serius ah? Aku rasa ye kot! Tapi mcm aku cakaplah, kau mmg seronok dua ronok or beronok-ronok pegi bercuti. Tapi bila cuti habis, kau balek semula ke your reality. Tu sebab orang kata kita taleh lari dari masalah kita kan?

Now aku takde idea apa lagi nak buat? Aku nak try memancing.. Kang hangat-hangat tahi ayam pulak. Tahi ayam tu boleh buat umpan tak nanti? Or aku nak try main badminton la. Acah-acah healthy lifestyle sambil kuruskan badan. Nanti aku pegi beli racket, shuttlecock, jersey, kasut segala okay. Kahkahkah.. Mcm nak masuk tournament plak aku punya over. Main kang tak seberapa. Tapi aku memang selalu over the top.

Okay, nanti kalau aku dah bosan pulak, aku cari lagi benda lain yang boleh aku buat. Nak dating takde pakwe. Nak menjahit, memang aku tak minat. Nak buat cross stich or tenun2 buat sweater tu, aku takut aku sekali terbelit dengan benang tu sebab aku tak suka buat benda renyah camtu. nak melukis, ya ampunn lukisan aku ibarat kau lukis pakai tangan kiri (bg yg tak kidal). Buruk okay! Ape lagi eh.. Nak karaouke, member-member hentam suara aku kat Smule. Konpiden sangat dorg kata. So now aku dah hentikan la aktiviti tu.

Haa tu jelah kot aku nak cerita. Ohh ya, aku nak menulis novel. Konon-konon isi masa lapang gitu. Tapi aku tak pandai. Aku dah siap buat cover, isi takde.. Gelak weh, ni kelakar sangat aku rasa. Tajuk novel aku " Bintang Sirius, Itu Kamu?'' Haaa dalam kepala aku ni adelah point2 citer dia tapi nak tulis tu tak reti.. Kahkahkah! Nantilah aku belajar camne nak menulis, mana tau David Teo amik novel aku buat FLEM.

Okaylah korang, terubat sikit bosan aku tatkala ini. Nanti lah, kalau aku bosan aku post entry lagi. Now takde modal la nak post. Tatau nak cakap apa.. Till then, babai! Ailebiu.. Muahhh!